Dying is Easy, Living is hard

Dying is Easy, Living is hard

I started to write this as I was on an airplane headed back home to the states after being with loved ones overseas for a few days. I had many reflections during my trip that I wanted to write about but then I got really moved to write about depression and suicide from my very personal perspective. 

Now, I’m not an authority on the subject matter, but I once felt like taking my life would dull the deep pain I was going through. It was either God would take me or somehow, I would check out mentally by just existing or simply pulling the trigger (whatever that trigger might be; drugs, knife, gun, any weapon). Who could blame me at that time? I was caught up in a deep sunken grief. My first husband (and father to my 2 biological sons) had succumbed to death as a result of bone marrow cancer. I had watched him endure so much pain and torture. I watched him fight to live. Then after about a year of what we saw as a miracle, he relapsed very quickly and was gone within a few short months. I was by his bed side, holding his hand and I watched him draw his last breath as I held on. Devastating.

I know he didn’t want to die. I know he wanted to live for his family. But the angel of death snatched him away just when his new chapter was starting. So of course I was devastated. When I love, I love wholeheartedly and give wholeheartedly. The ground seemed to open and I felt like I had nothing to live for. I didn’t even remember that there were people in the hospital room crying and wailing. I didn’t remember my two little boys who were 6&3 years old at the time. I was in a very dark place. I felt so alone. Like the very life force had been gutted from me. I heard myself whisper with the little strength I had left, “God take me now” 

Suddenly as if God was right there in that room, I felt his real presence for the very first time. He breathed this words right back to me, “You have something to live for, your 2 boys, and I will help you” I knew then that the journey might be hard, I may have to crawl out of bed to start my day, I may find myself in a deep deep sorrowful moment in the closet crying ugly tears (which happened quite often), but I knew then that, I had to get up and LIVE because a force stronger than myself said so and I believed HIM. 

I KNEW THE FOLLOWING THINGS WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. 

1. God was real.
2. He loved me. He really really loved me. 
3. I had purpose that must be fulfilled before he can call me back home. I am working out that purpose daily. 
4. He wanted to me to live a full happy life (it was a powerful gift) I am still unwrapping this gift of life everyday. 
5. That he wanted me to live for my boys. That I was to guide them here on earth and seek his help for anything concerning them and he would help me. Now that’s a promise I’ve seen happen again and again. He really does keep his word if we believe. 
6. I knew the death I had just witnessed was part of life and that I would cherish each moment I’m given with my loved ones and make sure that I fill my tank of love up every night and empty it out every day so that all who loved me and I loved would always have a part of me within them. They would never doubt my love for them and somehow if I’m no longer here, the memory of me would move them to love and do something awesome with their lives.

Can you believe how incredibly powerful a word from The Creator of the universe is? Yes, It changed my life. 

We as humans are always caught between living and dying every single day. There seems to be a lot of happiness in the world but also a lot of deep sadness and depression. If care isn’t taken, one loses themselves in the hustle and bustle of life and we forget to self care. We need to do not just a physical check up but a mental check up as well. Total self care is underrated. We each need to make self care a priority. 

When I read and hear about suicide, I feel a deep sense of loss even if I don’t know the person personally. Recently the world lost 2 great people. Kate Spade a very successful and wealthy business woman and fashion designer and Anthony Bourdain an International TV personality, Author Chef, food and travel guru. What happened? We may never know. But what we can imagine is that there was some kind of depression that led them to take their lives, by hanging themselves. Wow!

To the world, they seemed like they had everything to live for. Money, Successful businesses and brand names, children and loved ones, name it. In particular they each had one child who are very young. They were successful in their own right. Money was not an obstacle or issue. A lot of people loved them. They could go anywhere they want to in the world at a moments notice, unlike a majority of us regular people. Yet, they were so unhappy and cut off that powerful life force within them. It’s all over for them as we knew them. They are no more. They breathe no more. Their loved ones will have to deal with the vacuum of their sudden and painful exit. They would have to endure painful days, weeks, months and years of life without them. 

Think about this, it wasn’t an accident, it wasn’t a terminal illness, it was one person taking their own life. No warning to the family or loved ones. If the person who commits suicide is famous and well loved, it causes a painful ripple effect of pain and sorrow to a lot of people. 

What about those who don’t “have it all”? What about the nameless and faceless people who commit suicide everyday? Many of them are broke, some have struggled with mental illness for years, some have battled drug and alcohol addiction for years, some have no one to love them and help them. 

We don’t truly fully understand as a society why this happens? Is it is a chemical imbalance? Demonic attack? What is it that makes one believe that taking their own life is going to take the pain away? I hear a lot of people who battle mental illness say they battle inner demons. What/who are these demons? 

There are so many resources to help people here in the states like the suicide prevention lifeline here in the US (Call 1-800-273-8255), there’s professional & spiritual therapy (both free & paid). what about in other parts of the world? It happens where I come from and it is quite stigmatized. We don’t really talk about it. Who can the people in developing countries reach out to without feeling judged, stigmatized or abuse? In my home country, we are told that you have to be mentally tough in life and power through the tough times. We have the remedy for being overweight by way of exercising and dieting. If we are physically injured or have an accident, we can go to the hospital for treatment. But what form of treatment is available for being “mentally ill” especially in developing countries?

I know when I was going through my dark valley experience, the one constant was knowing that a powerful force both inside and outside myself existed. The unconditional and unwavering love of my mother truly helped me pull through. The love of my family and close friends made a huge difference. I also sought professional therapy I believe those core spiritual and familial elements can change one’s life during a time of crisis. 

Let’s start somewhere because “dying seems easy, living is harder”, dying with so much promise and opportunity is truly very painful for the loved ones who are left to grieve. To anyone contemplating suicide, live please. Don’t chose to die. I pray for light upon you if you’re reading this and feeling like you’ve lost it all, please don’t do it. Seek help and support. You’ve got so much to live for. 

Amen. 

Thank you for reading. Please share, you could save a life.

US SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

Call 1-800-273-8255    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

For International Suicide Lines, please click on this link.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

Suicide Help Line in Nigeria (my home country) SURPIN- Suicide Research and Prevention Initiative. 09080217555, 09034400009, 08111909909, 07013811143.